Under the Bay Bridge, Photo: Don Allen,1975
COUPLES & FAMILY THERAPY
Family Therapy is the professional care for the primary relationships of a couple or a family.
This care is provided through talk and communication. A family may consist of two or more
sentient beings of any genders who share a commitment to each other.
Families come in all shapes and sizes. I've worked with families with two moms, and families
with three moms; families with one dad and three moms; two dads and a mom; one mom &
one dad. Some families have a pro-dom mom and a stay-at-home dad. Other families have
"servants" and pups and unspeakable transformations. All I have to say is: a family is a family.
I honor them all the same.
I work with couples of every gender and sexual orientation. Particularly compassionate with the
D/s tribe, modern couples and folks of special interests. Working with modern couples (in the
lifestyle, swingers, open marriage) is particularly rewarding for me. These are folks who want to
keep integrity embedded into their relationships, while enhancing eroticism. As a sexual health
practitioner, to me, modern couples are the standard bearers for what a smarter America could
look like. But non-monogamy is not for everyone. Know thyself.
Modern couples come to see me for sexuality concerns, such as needing help in their negotiations of ethical non-monogamy, and in managing jealousy (Dossie Easton). But more often, modern couples come to me for other concerns; not sex-related. They say that they want to be honest in treatment about their swinging and libidinous caprices, but find most psychotherapists to be too prudish and judgmental.
Some couples have specific concerns and special interests which are of erotic minority status. Erotic minorities are often persecuted for their behaviors or beliefs, either by family, friends, colleagues, or society at large. These folks are often closeted, although the internet has now given many a forum to chat with others and exchange information. Amps and devs, other species, consensual adult incest: none of these are mandated reporting, and in fact I am legally bound to maintain my clients' confidentiality. I personally have no problem whatsoever with any of these lifestyle orientations, and frankly, rejoice in life's great diversity of sexual expression and infinite varieties of mating constellations.
I enjoy working with Master/slave couples (Mistress/slave, Dominant/submissive, whatever...) because their negotiating skills are often exquisite. There is so much growth to be had in this theater of erotic meaning. I'm Old-Guard trained and new guard improved. I've been an out kinky person since age 16; over 40 years! I can tell you what's worked for other couples in this dynamic, and hopefully help you in discovering your own path to bliss, meaning and transcendence. "I came to S/m for the sex, and I stayed for the transcendence." William Henkin.
A New Sexual Identity
It's not unusual for people to discover new things about their sexualities as they age: stimuli can become exciting which were not so earlier. Sometimes people are finally ready to explore an area of interest which they have managed to suppress for a long time. Or they've discovered a new eroticism which is maybe disconcerting. These discoveries for one person in the relationship can cause problems for the other person, or for both. Sometimes one person in the marriage needs to acknowledge that they are bisexual, or kinky, or a fetishist, or identify as a different gender. This is what I then refer to as a mixed-marriage. Some people go into marriages or the priesthood hoping that their erotic differences will go away with the advent of their new life; but this is rarely the case.
When one partner changes their erotic identity, or their orientation, or what some sexologists are now referring to as 'erotic target location' (yikes), then the other partner has to adapt to the change in their marriage as well. Usually the other partners are surprised about their partner's newfound eroticism, and don't quite know what to do with it. My job might be to help you guys sort out how you think you can make it work. In my humble opinion, these couples could be better served by a family therapist who is knowledgeable about the science regarding their erotic minority partner.
Non-Monogamy
The chains of marriage are heavy and it takes two to carry them, sometimes three.
attributed to Oscar Wilde
A growing part of my practice is helping couples negotiate ethical non-monogamy. More and more American modern couples are waking up from the dizzney dream that one other person is supposed to be your best friend, roommate, and your only sex partner til death do you part. Looks good in the movies, but just ain't the case for most homo sapiens around the globe. Almost half of the humans on the planet today practice polygamy, with most others being serial monogamists. Over half of married Americans admit that they have cheated on their spouse at least once.
Couples of all age groups and ethnicities in America are seriously doubting the need to adhere to religious and moral beliefs of monogamy (sex with only one other person). Too many people in America come from broken homes because the sex didn't work between mom and dad, or there was an infidelity and, boom, the marriage is over. Americans are a wasteful people, and we throw away our relationships too easily. I am usually for preserving the family unit, the marriage. And sometimes the way to preservation is through diversification or expansion. Sometimes it takes three or more people to carry the heavy chains of marriage.
Please don't get me wrong: I am not against monogamy, and fully support every couple that wants to give it a go. I can work with you to help figure out which kinds of monogamy will work for you. According to research, men and women have very different notions of what sexual fidelity is. And, sadly, most couples do not possess great skills or ability in discussing sexuality concerns with their spouses. That's where a trained therapist can come to the rescue!
Helping couples cope with infidelity is a challenging process, one that I embrace with an open heart and firm boundaries.